“Awakened by a whispered plea, Julie softly spoke these words to me. Truth or fiction, I do not know, for she had no form… only soul.”
Chapter One
It was late in October, and the leaves had already changed their color and were beginning to let go of the branches they had clung to for their life. They fell silently to the earth without regret. The brilliant colors they had displayed as a group just days before were beginning to fade, and upon closer examination of individual leaves that had fallen, one could see the blemishes and scars that made each leaf a unique entity and told the story of its life.
Several of a group of children stopped to play in a pile of leaves that had been raked up by old man Sweeney. He didn’t seem to mind the intrusion, however, and sat down on his porch steps to watch the fun. Julie picked up one of the leaves and carefully examined it. She ran her hand over the blemishes and scars and tried to imagine the pain and suffering this leaf had felt in its lifetime. She was a sensitive child and already, at twelve years of age, knew exactly what she wanted to be when she grew up. She would be a doctor, just like her father.
Julie was an only child and was fortunate to have two loving and caring parents. She felt sorry for many of her classmates who were not as fortunate and vowed that no matter what happened to her, she would always be mindful of the disadvantaged. She placed the leaf carefully in one of her notebooks and continued the walk home by herself.
There was no one in the house when she got home, which was a bit unusual, but she didn’t think much of it at the time because her mother had told her she would be going shopping in the afternoon, and it was not unusual for her to be a little late on those days that she did. Her father never got home until six o’clock and sometimes later when there were emergencies, and so Julie went to her room and began playing with her collection of dolls and stuffed toys. So absorbed was she in her play that she didn’t realize the room was getting dark. The sound of a car in the driveway brought her back to reality, and she ran down the stairs to help her mother unload the groceries from the car. As she opened the kitchen door, however, she realized it was not her mother’s car but her father instead who had driven in. He sat in the car without moving—his head was resting on his arms over the steering wheel.
“Are you okay, Daddy?” she asked as she opened the door of his car.
He didn’t answer her right away, and when he finally lifted his head, she could see that he was crying. “No, honey, I am not. Let’s go inside because I have something to tell you.”
She helped him out of the car, and they walked into the house together. Julie’s heart was pounding as she sat down in the chair next to her father. “Please tell me what happened,” she asked, tears now falling from her own eyes.
“Your mother was in an accident. When they brought her into the emergency room, she was still breathing. I did everything I could to try and save her, honey, everything—but there was just too much damage, and I had to let her go. I am so sorry, honey.”
Julie climbed into the chair with her father and sat next to him. Both were crying softly as the reality of their loss started sinking in. He gently stroked her hair as he realized that the love of his life was now gone and he would be responsible for raising their only daughter.
Chapter Two
A year passed by, and then another, and another, but life did not get back to anything resembling normal for Julie. Over time, her father lost interest in life and started drinking. At first, it was only when he got home from the hospital, but then he started drinking in the mornings as well and missed several days of work because of it. Julie was now in the tenth grade. She still had some of her old friends, but it was difficult for her to make new ones. She was losing interest in studying as well and no longer thought about being a doctor.
She never knew what to expect from her father when she walked into the house after school. If he was home, he would be in front of the television, and if he were not home, it could be late in the evening before he would stagger in. The house had not been cleaned for some time, and dinner was up to her. Even when her father was sober, he was distant. She knew things couldn’t continue as they were, and so one day she decided to try to engage her father in a conversation about their future. She cooked him a spaghetti dinner from a recipe she had learned from her mother, knowing it was one of his favorite meals.
They never ate at the dining room table anymore, and so she brought the meal to him on a tray, then went back to get her own tray. She was pleased to find him enjoying his meal when she returned, and he even complimented her on being just as good a cook as her mother.
“What’s going to happen to us, Daddy?” she asked as he finished the last of his meal.
“What do you mean?” he responded, somewhat unexpectedly. “Is there a problem with the way we are living?”
“Dad, it’s your drinking. You never used to drink when Mom was here.”
“I may have a few drinks occasionally,” he responded defensively, “but you make it sound like I’m drunk all of the time.”
“Well, you are—at least you are when you are home, and that’s the only time I see you.”
“Well, this hasn’t been all that easy on me, you know,” he answered indignantly. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“I know you are, Daddy, but I don’t like seeing you sad.” She walked over to him and put her arm on his shoulder like she had done in the past, but he turned away from her as if uncomfortable with her touching him.
She picked up the trays and, after doing the dishes, returned to her room to do her homework. She found it hard to concentrate, however, and decided to just go to sleep.
At some point in the middle of the night, she heard her door open, and when she turned to look, she saw her father’s figure standing in the doorway. She could smell that he had been drinking, and for the first time in her life, she felt threatened by his presence.
“Did I wake you?” he asked, his words a bit slurred.
“Yes, Dad, you did. Is there something you want?”
“I had a hard time going to sleep—kept thinking about your mother and was wondering, um…”
“Wondering what, Dad?” she asked, almost afraid of his response.
“Well, I was wondering if maybe—if maybe I could lay in your bed for just a while. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
She was hesitant to answer but thought maybe it would help to heal their relationship if she allowed it—just this once. “I guess it would be okay for just a while,” she answered as she moved over to the inside of her bed.
He climbed in and lay there silently for several minutes; his breath reeked of alcohol. She dared not move and hoped he would just pass out so that she could climb out over him without him knowing it. She felt his hand moving closer to hers, and then he was touching her on the arm. At first, it was just gentle rubbing, but eventually, he was touching her in places she knew were not appropriate. She tried to move away from him, but he held her tightly, and before she could do anything to stop him, he had entered her. She screamed from the pain and horror, and pushed him away. He rolled off off of her and in his drunkenness, passed out beside her.
She was trembling as she finally managed to crawl out of the bed. She could feel the contents of her stomach coming up and ran into the bathroom to vomit. She locked the door behind her and sobbed for several minutes before taking a long hot bath, then curled up in a corner of the room and cried herself to sleep.
She awoke to the first rays of the early morning sun and cautiously opened the bathroom door. Her father was no longer in her room, and she thought, just for a moment, that maybe she had dreamed the whole thing—but the pain in her lower abdomen told her it wasn’t a dream. She dressed for school as usual, not knowing what else to do. She wanted to talk to someone but knew the seriousness of her father’s actions and didn’t want anyone to know what he had done. After all, it was just as much her fault for allowing it to happen.
Chapter Three
In the months that followed, there was no mention of the incident between them. Everything was as it was before, only now she locked her room every night before she went to bed. She no longer did her homework, and her failing grades were evidence of the fact she had lost interest in life. So it was not surprising that on one of those nights as she prepared the evening meal and the knife she was using accidentally cut through her finger, she got the idea to just get it over with. She slashed both of her wrists and watched calmly as the blood squirted out of her arms and onto the kitchen table.
She was unconscious when her father found her. She had lost a lot of blood but not enough to kill her, and so to save her from the embarrassment—and him from having to file a police report—he decided to suture the wounds at home. She awoke in her bedroom to the throbbing pain in her arms.
“Here, take a swig of this,” her father said as he picked up the bottle of whiskey he had been drinking from. “It should help with the pain—at least it does with mine.” He put the bottle to her lips and poured some into her mouth. It burned at first as she swallowed it, but then she felt its magical warmth, and the pain in her arms became unimportant.
Over the next few days, the pain subsided but the need for the painkiller increased. She did not attend school until her father removed the stitches, and when she did return, she wore large beaded bracelets to cover the scars on her wrists. She looked like a tramp and felt like one too. She was far behind in her studies, but she no longer cared.
Rejected by the upper-class students, she found her place with the outcasts and started going to the parties that no decent girl would ever attend. She soon found out why—and it wasn’t long before she was sleeping with anyone who would have her. She knew she was falling, but there was nothing to hold on to, and so she just kept sinking lower and lower.
She managed to pass into the eleventh grade by switching to general course studies, but she knew that she wasn’t really learning anything and felt she was only wasting her time in school. The only excitement in her life was the weekend parties and getting loaded with her friends—even though it always ended up with a bad hangover and depression. In the end, she didn’t care; she would just sleep it off all day Sunday. She was getting bored and needed to do something exciting, something different, anything other than what she was doing, but she didn’t know what that would be until the summer-break party on the beach where she met Samantha, or Sam as most people called her.
Sam was in her mid-twenties and could out-drink any of the boys in the group that Julie hung out with. She could also make the boys blush with her foul language and wasn’t afraid to embarrass them about their lack of manhood. She was everything Julie was looking for, and she had to meet her.
The opportunity came later in the evening when Sam separated herself from the group and lit up a cigarette. Julie walked over to where she was sitting and asked if she could bum one off of her. She was not really a smoker but had tried it on a few occasions.
“This ain’t no cigarette, honey,” Sam said flippantly as she took a deep drag of smoke and held it in for several seconds.
“Oh, I am sorry,” Julie answered, embarrassed by her ignorance.
“Ignorance is nothing to feel sorry for, my friend—here, take a drag,” she said as she handed her the joint.
Julie took a drag and held it in as long as she could but started coughing.
“Takes a bit of practice, child,” Sam responded as she took the joint from Julie’s hand, “but at least you’re not ignorant anymore.”
“No, I guess not,” Julie replied, feeling a bit fuzzy in the head, “but there’s still a lot I don’t know.”
Sam smiled for the first time that evening, and Julie realized that much of Sam was only an act. That gave her a bit more confidence in talking to her. “What is that tattoo on your arm?” she asked a bit hesitantly.
“This?” Sam replied, raising her arm so Julie could see it. “It’s the name of the group I belong to, ‘DRIFTERS’—the tattoo is the only requirement for membership.”
“What does it mean?” Julie asked, wondering if perhaps she was getting too personal.
“Just what it says, kid—we are just a bunch of losers, drifting through life.”
“Sounds rather bleak, but the way my life has been going, perhaps you are right,” Julie answered.
“What’s your name?” Sam asked amiably.
“Julie.”
“Nice name—sounds respectable. So what are you doing here with this crowd of losers? You’re not like them, I can tell. Knowing people is my business; at least it was before I came out.”
“Came out of what?” Julie asked innocently.
“Never mind my problems, kid—what’s your story? Maybe I can help.”
Chapter Four
Julie unloaded her whole story while Sam sat back and listened attentively. Sam had always been a counselor, even before she went to university to study psychology. Her father was the pastor of a large church, and she had worked in the church nursery for as long as she could remember. She started teaching Sunday school after she entered high school and led many of the youth meetings and outings. People were always coming to her for advice, especially the young girls, and she was always available for them.
Sam had known she was different since puberty. Whenever her friends would talk about their “boyfriends,” she would get nauseated and walk away. She was attracted to girls and sometimes felt guilty about her strong feelings toward them but had not done anything sexual with anyone until the night of a girls’ club meeting that was held at the house of the town’s mayor, who was also a member of her father’s church. The mayor’s wife, Eleanor, had offered her home for the meeting since her six-year-old daughter was a part of the group and her husband was away on a business trip; it was with the condition, however, that Samantha would spend the night to help clean the house afterward.
Everything went as planned, and after the girls had all gone home and her daughter was in bed, Eleanor began the job of cleaning with Samantha. They worked until nearly midnight getting the house in order, and when they were finally finished, Eleanor prepared a small snack for them both. “Bet you’re tired, aren’t you?” she said as she picked up the dishes from the table. “Why don’t you go up to my bathroom and take a shower while I wash these up? It won’t take me long.”
Samantha nodded her head in agreement and started up the stairs. When she entered the bedroom, she was surprised to see how feminine it looked and gathered that the mayor must have slept in a separate bedroom. The bathroom was luxurious with many mirrors and lots of expensive perfumes. She undressed and stepped into the shower, which was twice the size of any shower she had ever seen before. She closed her eyes and relaxed as the hot water gently massaged her from every direction.
“Mind if I join you?” Eleanor said as she opened the shower stall door. “This thing uses a lot of water, and there is no sense in wasting it.”
Samantha was shocked at first. She had showered with naked girls before, after gym class, but this was not the same, and it made her a bit uncomfortable; however, she tried not to show it.
They slept together that night and did things that Samantha knew were not appropriate. There was no love involved in it; it was all physical and more for the benefit of Eleanor than for Samantha. She felt dirty and sick to her stomach in the morning when she left the house and ran all the way home. There were tears in her eyes as she entered the house, and she ran straight up the stairs to her bedroom so that no one could see them.
“Shit!” she exclaimed as she shut the door behind her.
“Is that you, Samantha?” her mother asked, stepping out of the bathroom. “I didn’t think you would be back so early, so I thought I would clean the bathroom for you. Is there something wrong?”
“No, Mom, ah—everything is fine,” she answered rather unconvincingly.
“How was your meeting, dear? Did the girls have a good time?”
“Yes, Mom, everyone had a good time,” she responded while walking over to her bed, trying to keep the tears from bursting out of her eyes.
“And Eleanor—isn’t she a wonderful lady? Not many women of her status would open their homes to a bunch of young girls like that. We are so blessed to have her and her wonderful husband in our congregation—don’t you think?”
A burst of tears gushed from Samantha’s eyes as she fell into her pillow and started sobbing. “Oh, Mom—you don’t know her. She is not a wonderful lady; she is horrible.”
“What are you saying, Samantha? What happened last night to make you say something like that?”
“I can’t tell you, mother—it’s too awful.”
“Well, you can either tell me about it now, or you can tell your father about it when he gets home for lunch.”
“No! Mom, please don’t tell father.”
“I will have to now unless you can convince me that it is not necessary by telling me exactly what happened.”
Samantha knew her mother would do just what she said, and so she told her the whole story while her mother sat at the edge of the bed listening with horror as it unfolded. When she was finished, Samantha laid her head in her mother’s lap and asked, “So what do we do now?”
“I don’t know, honey—perhaps it is best to keep this from your father for the time being. It’s a serious charge, and I need to think about it for a while.” She gently ran her fingers through Samantha’s hair as she contemplated her next move. She knew her husband well, and if he knew about this, he would explode—and that could have serious effects on not only their family but the congregation as well.
Chapter Five
Time passed, and Samantha graduated from high school and started her university studies, majoring in psychology, at a Christian college where she met many girls who, like herself, had little or no interest in boys. She had a few physical relationships with some of them but was more interested in just having meaningful friendships. She still remembered the night she spent with Eleanor, but it no longer seemed all that important to her. For that reason, her mother’s telephone call surprised her.
“Samantha, you must come home tomorrow. I will explain things when you get here. Don’t ask any questions, just be here, okay? Love you, goodbye.”
She didn’t sleep much that night and started out the first thing in the morning for her home. Several things were going through her mind, like perhaps one of her parents was diagnosed with cancer, or maybe her father had been in an accident. The issue with Eleanor did cross her mind, but that was all it did. Her head was pounding by the time she drove up the driveway. Her mother met her at the door.
“What is this all about, Mom?”
“Some things have happened in the church, and we need to talk about them right away, Samantha. Your father is in his office waiting.”
Samantha walked down the hallway and stood at the open door of her father’s office. “Hi, Dad, Mom says we need to talk—what about?”
“Yes, we do need to talk, Samantha. At least you do. Come in here and have a seat.”
Samantha did as he instructed but was very uncomfortable with the way he was talking to her.
“Now, I have one question for you, and I expect an honest answer,” he said sternly.
“Richard, you said you would be rational about this,” her mother rebuked.
“How can I be rational when my whole life’s work is in jeopardy?”
“She is our daughter, Richard; please hear her side of the story first.”
“Alright, alright, I will answer your question, daddy, but please don’t argue with Mom,” Samantha cut in.
“Okay then—are you a lesbian?”
“What?” Samantha exclaimed. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Just give me an answer, Samantha. Are you or are you not a lesbian?”
“What differ—”
“It’s a yes or no question, Samantha,” her father reminded her.
Samantha thought about the consequences of telling the truth and of telling a lie and decided to go with the truth. “Yes, Daddy, I am,” she answered calmly. “Now will you please tell me what this is all about?”
“I am afraid that it is my fault, honey,” her mother said as she took a seat next to her. “A couple of weeks ago I ran into Eleanor at a church potluck. I have avoided her all this time, but she approached me and simply asked about how you were doing at college. I replied that you were doing just fine and turned to walk away when she added, ‘I really love that girl.’ I kind of lost it when she said that and replied, ‘Yes, I know all about that.’ I knew immediately it was the wrong thing to say, but it was too late.”
“Yes,” her father cut in, “and now she has filed a lawsuit against you, Samantha, claiming that on the night you stayed at her house, she caught you sexually molesting her child.”
“What!” Samantha exclaimed. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“No, I am not kidding, Samantha, and in fact, I promised the sheriff that I would let him know as soon as I was finished talking with you—and I am finished,” he said as he picked up the phone.
“But don’t you want to know the truth, Daddy? Don’t you want to know what really happened?”
“You have already told me the truth, Samantha. You are an abomination to the Lord God Almighty, and I will have nothing more to do with you.”
That was the last time she saw her father. Her mother did come to the jail a few times while she waited for a trial that never came because the charges were dropped. After her release, she never went home again. It was at the jail that she met two members of the ‘DRIFTERS’ group, and when she was released, they arranged for some members of the club to pick her up. She got her tattoo a few days later and had spent the last six months living at their compound in the mountains.
Chapter Six
“And so now it is just me and my father—who really isn’t my father anymore—and I don’t know how much longer I can stand it,” Julie added as she finished her story.
“Yeah, I understand where you are coming from, kid. Wish I had some good advice for you, but I’m kind of in the same hole, only maybe a little deeper.”
“Guess I am just a loser like you,” Julie responded remorsefully.
“No, Julie, you’re not like me. My train derailed a long time ago, but yours has just slipped off the track. You can still get back on it and make something of yourself if you try.”
“And what about you, Sam? Why couldn’t you get back on the track too?”
Sam thought about it for a moment and even allowed herself to dream again for the first time in a long while. “Wouldn’t that be something?” she mused. “Me going back to haunt my father.”
They gave each other a big hug and walked back into the party. A few days later, Julie left her father and went to join Sam at the ranch. Sam had given her permission only on the condition that Julie would return to her home and finish her schooling when the new year started. Julie agreed, and for the first time since her mother’s death, she felt happy.
Sam was not a mother figure—more a big brother figure to Julie. They shared the same bed, but there was nothing dirty about their relationship, even on those few occasions when it became physical. Julie started to feel lovable again, and Sam also had a change of character. Julie got the tattoo on her arm, against the advice of Sam. She talked one of the motorcycle riders into taking her in to have it done while Sam was busy with one of the several work projects around the commune. Sam was not very happy about it, but what was done was done, and so she left it alone.
Their conversations often turned spiritual because of Sam’s background in Christianity, but Sam was far from being a “Christian.” At times she would share her own stories about the God she believed in but always emphasized that her God was different than her father’s god. On the night before Julie was to return to her home, they were sitting by a campfire, and Sam stood up and started telling one of her stories to the group.
“My father’s god had a son who supposedly died for all us sinners, and my father says that the blood of god’s son cleanses people from their sins. The only way we can be with my father’s god is if we believe his son died for us. If we say we believe it, then all our sins are forgiven, and we become new people. Then we get to go to this big party in the sky when we die, and all of us will get to wear this beautiful white disguise because my father’s god cannot stand anything that is not perfect. If I ever get to my father’s heaven and they give me a fancy white robe to wear, I will certainly put it on—but when I get directly in front of god’s throne, I will tear it off and stand naked in front of him and say, ‘Hey god, take a look at me—life left me with a lot of scars as you can see, but I did the best I could with what you gave me. Sorry if that is not good enough for you, but if you never intended to look at me for what I really am, why did you create me in the first place?'”
There was some applause and laughter as Sam curtseyed and took her seat next to Julie. Julie gave her a big hug and said, “I am really going to miss you, Sam.”
“Yeah, but you’ll get over it,” Sam responded as tears started forming in her eyes, “and besides, I’m not planning to go anywhere soon—so we’ll see each other from time to time.”
They talked several hours through the night and quickly packed their bags to leave for town in the morning. Two of the newer men were heading out for California, and so they had arranged to be dropped off in town by them. Sam didn’t really know them all that well, but they seemed like alright guys. On the way to town, they stopped at a gas station, and the two men went inside, leaving Sam and Julie alone in the backseat.
“I don’t know what I am going to do without you, Sam,” Julie said emotionally.
“Don’t worry about it, Julie. The universe will provide you with what you need. All things have their purpose, and even the bad times help us to become stronger individuals. Each morning as you start your day, take a good look at yourself. The scars that life has given you are the foundations of your future. Don’t run from them—build on them. They are you, and if—”
“What was that?” Julie shouted at the sound of a gunshot. Two more shots were fired as the two men came running for the car. One of them was bleeding.
“How the hell was I to know he had a gun?” the driver shouted to his partner as they jumped into the car.
“Just get us out of here!” the other man shouted while trying to stop the bleeding from his arm.
The car spun out, and for a few minutes it looked as if they had gotten away with the robbery—but suddenly a police car pulled out from a speed trap, and the chase was on. A bullet ripped through the back window, and Sam covered Julie with her body. Several more shots entered the car, one grazing the neck of Julie. It wasn’t painful, but she could feel the blood pouring down her blouse and tried to reach her hand up to stop it.
“Just stay down!” Sam shouted as the chase continued.
There was a sudden pop as one of the tires was hit by a bullet, and the car careened off the road and into a ditch. They were immediately surrounded by police with guns drawn. The two men stepped out of the car and surrendered immediately while Sam continued protecting Julie.
“You okay, kid?” she finally asked as she started to sit up.
“Yes, I think so,” Julie responded, finally reaching for her neck. “It’s just a surface wound, I think—but look how much blood I lost.”
“Well, stupid—that could be because it’s not all your blood,” Sam responded jokingly while holding her hand to the large wound in her chest. “Looks like this is where our journeys part, my friend,” she added as her eyes slowly closed and her arms fell lifeless to her side.
Chapter Seven
The judge was sympathetic and believed Julie was not really guilty of any crime other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Still, she was a minor in the company of some bad people, and so he sentenced her to be held in juvenile detention until her eighteenth birthday. For Julie, it didn’t make any difference—since she had lost all reason to continue with life.
At the request of a social worker who was concerned about Julie’s mental state, her father did pay her a short visit and brought her some of the things from her room that he thought she could use. It wasn’t much, and most of the things he brought were things that may once have been her treasures—but now seemed so meaningless. She thanked him for coming, and when she returned to her room, threw the box of belongings on her nightstand.
“Mind if I look through your stuff?” her roommate Wendy asked as she picked up the box.
“No, go ahead and look—but I doubt you will find much of interest.”
Wendy read a few of the letters, looked at some old report cards, checked out some of the pictures, and then picked up an old notebook and started paging through it. “Hey, what’s this old leaf doing in your notebook, Julie?” she asked as she carefully pulled it from between the pages.
Julie looked up, and when she saw the leaf, a flood of memories was released. Good memories of her mother and father, of the dreams she had, and the promise she made herself back then, ‘that no matter what happened to her, she would always be mindful of the disadvantaged.’ She walked over and took the leaf from Wendy and carefully examined it again as she had done the first time. It was much dryer now, but the story of its life was still clearly visible, and the aging had made it even more beautiful. That thought brought back some of the last words Sam had spoken to her: ‘The scars that life has given you are the foundations of your future. Don’t run from them—build on them.’
Wendy continued to look through Julie’s things for something of interest, but for Julie, there was no more need to look any further—for she had found the dream that she had lost the day her mother died, and that was all she needed.
In the months and years that followed, Julie built on her experiences and learned to love herself again. From GED to university and on to medical school, she overcame the odds and graduated with honors. She started her internship working in the emergency room of a large metropolitan hospital where she met and fell in love with one of her supervisors.
Dr. Matthew Richardson III was the son of a senator and had grown up in an overly protected environment controlled by his mother. She had decided that he would be a doctor on the day he was born, and he never questioned her decision. He was a good doctor, but he often wished he could get out from under his mother’s control.
The first day he met Julie, he was hooked. Something about her made her different from any other girl he had ever known before. She was very knowledgeable in medicine but would never challenge him on a diagnosis head-on. Instead, she would leave hints or suggestions that would make him change his diagnosis to the right one. She could also talk the talk of her patients whenever she had to and could put any man in his place, even if he was drunk. She was tough and yet compassionate, rugged in appearance and yet beautiful in the way she carried herself. She was everything he wanted in a woman, and after six months of casual dating, he proposed to her with a large diamond ring.
“Oh, Matthew, it’s beautiful—but I don’t know what to say?”
“Just say you will marry me, Julie, that’s all.”
“But Matthew, there are things you don’t know about me, and you need to know them before I can answer you.”
“I don’t care what they are, Julie. I love you for what you are today. Not for what you were yesterday.”
“Look at these scars, Matthew,” she said while showing him her wrist and neck, “and look at this tattoo on my arm. Do you think your parents or your friends could accept me as I am?”
“Those are nothing, Julie; I know a good plastic surgeon that could clean all of that up for you and make you look really beautiful.”
“But they are me, Matthew. These scars are what have given me the strength to come this far.”
“And now you have made it, Doctor Julie, and it is time to start a new life. I am sure that your friends from the past would want that for you.”
“And your parents, Matthew?”
“They don’t have to know your past; we can tell them anything. Look, Julie, up until now everything in my life has been purchased—but you make me feel like a real person, and I don’t want to lose you.”
“I need some time, Matthew—it is not that I don’t love you. I love you more than any… any boy I have ever known before,” she said as she handed the ring back to him, “but there are things from my past that I need to clear up before I can give you my answer.”
“When, Julie? Your internship with me is over now, and you will be moving on to a new department. I don’t want to lose you to someone else.”
“I will go to see my father this weekend, Matthew—and I will give you my answer when I return.”
Chapter Eight
The drive home was the first alone time she had spent in a long time. She had visited her father on a few occasions while in university, but it was never a good experience. He had learned to control his drinking but had never regained his former self, and there was always a wall between them, a wall that was built by them both and would only come down if they both worked on it together.
It was evening by the time she reached her hometown, and so she stopped to get a pizza, just in case there was nothing in the house to eat. Her father was home when she entered the house, and she set the pizza on the dining room table.
“Hello, Dad,” she said cautiously, not knowing what to expect.
“Oh, hello Julie,” he responded cordially as he put the evening paper down. “Wasn’t expecting you… is there a problem?”
“No, just thought I would pay you a visit.”
“Well, make yourself at home. Sorry, there’s not much in the house to eat.”
“I brought a pizza, Dad. Would you like to share some with me?”
“No, that’s all right. I ate at the hospital cafeteria.”
“Doesn’t sound very exciting. Are you sure you won’t join me? There’s plenty here.”
“Well, maybe just a piece then.”
Julie went into the kitchen and was disappointed to see that it was a mess. She took out some plates and reached for the trays when suddenly she had a flashback to the spaghetti dinner she had made for her father years before. She fought off the negative feeling she was getting. She had learned to accept all of her personal mistakes and had used them to rebuild her life, but the rape by her father was not her mistake, and she knew she could not move forward until the wall between them was taken down.
“Here you go, Dad,” she said as she handed him the tray.
“Ah, smells good,” he responded. “It’s been a while since I’ve had pizza.”
They ate their meal while talking superficially about their lives. Julie was surprised to learn how much her father already knew about her. He had never indicated that he had much interest in her, but it was obvious she was wrong. When he mentioned Matthew, she knew he had inside contacts.
“Where do you get your information from, Dad?” she finally had to ask.
“I’m a doctor, Julie. Not much happens in our circle that stays a secret. You’re just starting out in this field, but you’ll soon learn this.”
“Hmm, I’ll have to remember that, I guess,” Julie responded with a smile.
“I suppose it’s not my business, Julie, but I’ve always wondered why you keep that ugly tattoo on your arm. You’re aware, I’m sure, that it could easily be removed.”
“You’re the second person to ask me that this week, Dad, and I’ll give you the same answer I gave Matthew… this tattoo and these scars are what have given me the strength to come this far.”
“But isn’t it time to forget the past, Julie? You’ve done so well, and I’m so very proud of you.”
“Have you forgotten the past, Father?” Julie asked, looking him straight in the eyes.
Her words were like an arrow piercing his heart. He hung his head as tears started rolling down his cheeks. “No, I haven’t, Julie, and no matter what I do, I cannot erase that horrible night from my mind.”
“It’s the same for me, Father. I will never forget what you did to me, nor will I ever be able to forgive you.”
“I’m so sorry, Julie, and I understand your not being able to forgive me. I’ve punished myself for years and will continue to do so, because I don’t know what else I can do.”
“But there is something, Father. There is something that you can do.”
“What is it, Julie? Please tell me, because I’m so tired of having to face myself in the mirror every day.”
“You can admit to what you are and build your life upon it. I cannot accept the man who raped me, Father, but I could learn to love the man who built upon his weaknesses and learned to love himself again by stepping out of the closet.”
“You mean telling people what I did? I would be ruined as a doctor.”
“Perhaps you’re right, Dad, but if you became a therapist for other men who have done the same things as you, perhaps you could do just as much good as being a doctor.”
“What you’re asking me to do, Julie, would be very difficult. It could also have a negative effect on you and your future with Matthew.”
“I’ve already considered that, Father, and can assure you it will not be a problem. Like you, I must look at myself every day in the mirror, and up to this point, what I’ve seen I am proud of. I’ve considered what it would be like to have a beautiful body again, free of blemishes. To wear nice clothes and to live in luxury… but I know that if I did that, I would no longer see myself in the mirror. I would be betraying my past and those who got me through it.”
“I’m not as strong as you are, Julie. I don’t think I could go through with it. Not at this point in my life.”
“That would be your choice, Father, but I cannot love a lie.”
The room fell silent, and after several minutes Julie picked up the dishes and brought them into the kitchen. Her father was still sitting in his chair when she finished washing the plates, so she went to her room for the night. Her decision not to marry Matthew had not been confirmed until her talk with her father, and now she had to decide how she would tell him. The road ahead of her suddenly became clear; she would dedicate her life to underprivileged and abused women and children… and on this positive thought, she slept.
She awoke to the smell of coffee brewing and went down to the kitchen to find her father making breakfast.
“What’s this all about, Dad?”
“I did a lot of thinking last night, Julie… and you’re right. I will resign from my position at the hospital today and see what tomorrow brings. This morning was the first time I’ve been able to look myself in the eyes since the night I… I raped you.”
Julie was speechless as she looked at the new man that stood in front of her. She walked over to him and threw her arms around his neck. He was hesitant at first, but with tears of joy streaming down his face, he returned her hug… and there was innocence in their embrace.
THE END